


The Eternal Heart

by jashykins



Category: Terminator - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-21
Updated: 2014-05-19
Packaged: 2018-01-09 12:07:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1145803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jashykins/pseuds/jashykins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jash Connor tells her history so the survivors of the War with Skynet can properly make a choice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jash Connor wakes up and starts to tell her full history, which she says will end with a choice for the audience.

"Wake up, Jash." A distant voice said. I ignored it since no one should wake me. Everyone should just let me sleep. I had risked enough and lost more than anyone else. Marty, though, would be the first to tell me that I was being over dramatic. But, of course, he had lost something that I hadn't and so thought his pain was worse than mine.

"Jash." The voice, that I could now tell was a woman, hissed. Opening my eyes I could see Lillith. Her form was human but she gave off a feel more alien than a Terminator. Looking to my left I saw Tin-Miss sitting beside me. Her real name was Cameron, if Terminators could be said to have names, and she was always confused when I called her that.

The reason I had given Cameron a nickname was because it reminded me of a simpler time. It reminded me of a time when I had hope. Well, at least before I made the worst decision of my life. Even the simplest hope that Skynet could be defeated was gone. I had helped defeat Skynet twice and I didn't know if it would stay defeated this time.

Along with my hope, my sanity had run away as fast as it could. It had seemed that without my hope, there was no sanity for me anymore. It was the reason, for a short time, that I was a traitor to the Resistance. But, for the most part, my loss of sanity and hope hadn't affected my loyalty to those who fought against Skynet.

Turning to see Marty standing on the stage made me realize that my hope and sanity weren't the only things that I had lost. I considered him a comrade still, but what he had done made it impossible for our friendship to go where it once had. I knew I had betrayed him, but at least I didn't go down to the levels he went down for me.  
Being here wasn't my first choice. But I was a hero of the Resistance so I had to come.

"And now, the Former Wife of John Connor, hero of the Resistance, and a personal friend of mine has chosen to speak here and now." Marty said and I walked through the crowd.

Walking through the crowd I could tell who were my admirers, worshipers, and those who thought I should've been killed long before now. I didn't disagree with any of them, though the worshipers were not that intelligent. Once I was up on the stage I looked around the room.

I did this so I could waste time from saying what I had to say. The room appeared to be a former elementary school gym that would again be used for gym and prom, among other things, after the world had been rebuilt. It would need some touching up, though.

"Thank you, Martin Bedell," I said to him. "But you were the leader of the Resistance when Skynet fell. At least the leader everyone will remember years from now."

After the cheers stopped I continued, "All you here know is that I am not from this timeline and that I came from another one. That I lead the Resistance and won the war with Skynet. I then went back in time. I ended up joining the Resistance in this timeline. I joined John's faction and eventually came back to the Resistance. This you all know."

I looked to each of them and they nodded. "However, that isn't even half of what's gone on in my life. I now will tell you my whole history so you can make a choice. This will be a choice that will affect the future of your lives. It will either destroy you or make humanity stronger."

Before any of them could say no, I began.


	2. False Hero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jash is a loyal Resistance Fighter. At least she thinks so.

I opened my eyes as I heard the sounds. The sounds were loud and threatening. Who was I? Where was I? When was it? As a machine attacked me I realized those were questions that could be answered later. Trying to get away from the attacking machine I realized there was a gun in my hand. I didn't know why I didn't notice it before. But, again, that didn't matter. What mattered was that I had a gun.

I aimed it as though I had used guns before. When I shot the machine I realized I must've previously attacked the same kind of machine that was after me. A Terminator. Yes, that was the name. It seemed familiar to me.

As a bullet went over my head I realized I would have to think about that later. I scored a solid hit on the Terminator and fluid burst out. I would've sworn it was red but the fluid changed colors. By the time it fell to the ground I couldn't remember what color it originally was.

As more Terminators attacked my memory came back. The fact that the blood was pumping quickly through my veins must've helped me to remember. My name was Jash and I was a Resistance Fighter.

As my memory came back I was able to kill the metal, a nickname for the Terminators, easier. When I killed them I heard them scream and curse me. Why would metal do those things? Besides, they were the invaders. They were the foot soldiers of Skynet and wouldn't think twice about killing me or any human.

The sounds of battle finally drew to a close. When they were fully gone, it felt eerie. I walked over to one of the Terminators and recalled that his name was Martin Bedell. How did I know that? I nearly laughed when I realized that the Terminator was wearing a name tag with its name on it.

"Just because you have a name doesn't mean I give a shit about you." I said and spit on it. "I am Jash of the Resistance Against Skynet. And I will never surrender my humanity to you."

* * *

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" My comrades said. It didn't matter which one. All of us were pretty drunk now and probably wouldn't remember tonight in the morning. Doing what they wanted me to, I chugged down another mug of beer. They cheered louder and the drinking continuned.

Was the battle I was just in really that big? I didn't think so. It seemed more like a test than a battle. And definitely not something that a leader would allow soldiers should to get drunk for. Being in the state I was in now would make me less able to fight the metal. Turning to look at two of my female comrades, I saw them in a deep passionate kiss. Nothing stirred in me, but the men were starring.

This was odd. These were soldiers. Two women turning lesbian because of alcohol wasn't anything to worry about. But trained soldiers acting like schoolboys wasn't normal. Or was it? Couldn't I allow the soldiers, that were risking their lives, a little slack? No. No I couldn't.

As I started to walk over to them I stumbled and fell. The room erupted in laughter. "Fuck." I cursed under my breath. After a few minutes I was able to get myself back up. It seemed the party had died down quickly.

I felt a little strange and started going towards the sick bay. Probably just drunk, but I had to make sure.

After I stumbled into the sick bay, a doctor helped me to a table. This particular base didn't have a real sick bay.

"Seems like you got banged up bad." The doctor said in a comforting voice. But while his voice was kind, his face gave off no emotion. As he started to inspect me I saw him get some disinfectent. Probably homemade since it was better to do that. That was because if there was ever a shortage, you'd better save the best for the worst incidents. "So you just came back from that battle?"

"No." I said. What was up with this guy? "I got a little too drunk at the party tonight. I think it was to celebrate the battle."

"The party?" The doctor asked. "Oh, yeah, that. Yes, that's what the wounds are from. Forgot what can happen in parties."

"Don't you go to any?" I asked.

"Not often." He said, but I could tell he was lying. He didn't go to any. While that was, in itself, not suspicious. It seemed to mean something that he didn't know about the party.

0000

I saw a field of nothing but sheep. Everywhere I looked there were sheep. One of the sheep closet to me had no wool on one side. Instead it was pure coltan like a Terminator. It noticed the attetion I was giving it and it just looked at me. Then it ran at me and I woke up suddenly.

I saw I was still in my room and that there were no man killing Terminator sheep. Nope. Just regualr killer robots. A second after waking up, I heard a knock on my door. I sighed and opened the door. One of my comrades was outside.

"What is it? I'm still waiting for my hangover to go away." I said angrily. Though I didn't know if it was a hangover. But those thoughts could wait.

"I can't tell you." He replied. "Only once the special group is gathered can I tell you. There can be no chance that someone outside of the special group will hear it."

* * *

The debriefing had been earlier and now things were actually going to happen. I was a little nervous as I hadn't gone into battle before. No, that couldn't be true. Must be because going into battle was so scary to me that my memory erased those moments.

"You feeling alright, Jash?" One of my comrades asked me. I couldn't remember his rank and he wasn't wearing any identification. And why should he? This mission was one of infiltration. We were going to pretend to be Greys, traitors to humanity, and destroy one of Skynet's bases.

"Yeah," I replied. "Just don't like the waiting."

"That's the majority of war." The words made him sound like he was making a joke, but there was no inflection to his voice.

Finally the boarding was happening. There were four trucks and I went to drive one. Me being a driver must mean that they trusted me not to panic. Especially in the situation we'd be getting ourselves into.

The comrade that was sitting beside me wasn't familiar but that didn't matter. We were all fighting the same enemy. Betrayals wouldn't happen until after the war, most likely.

After a few minutes I drove behind the third truck and the mission truly started.

As I drove I was still able to think about things other than my surroundings. This was because I had others in the truck with me and was aware enough to notice anything attacking the convoy.

What I decided to think about was a strange choice. It was something I was told during the debriefing. That I was to show no mercy to the Terminators. Also, that they could make themselves appear human. Though they were only in the beginning stages of the Infiltration Series.

Of course I wouldn't show any mercy to a Terminator! Even if it had human skin. The thought of a Terminator, a large chunk of lifeless metal, pretending to be human made me clutch the stearing wheel tightly. The comrade sitting beside me looked at me so I lessened my grip on the steering wheel.

"Just preparing myself." I told her and she went back to making sure nothing was about to attack us.

What if she was a Terminator? No, couldn't be. Her skin was too human to be a Terminator. Her expression had been odd but that didn't mean anything. We were going into battle and so acting weird wasn't a warning. At least not to me.

We finally got to the base where a Grey was waiting to greet us. Well, that's how the plan was supposed to go. Since I was the last truck in the convoy, I watched the Resistance Fighters in the first truck deal with the guard.

But the guard didn't let us in. Instead he tried to shout before being shot. Then all of us headed quickly into the base. We had a mission to do.

Even in the first few minutes of this mission there was enough bloodshed of Greys and Terminators to fill me for a lifetime. Half-way through the massacre, that's what I considered it, I forgot what the mission had originally been. Hell, I didn't know what it was now. The only thought going through my mind was to kill.

* * *

I shouldn't be blamed for what I was doing now. No one would blame me, but I blamed myself now. Running away from battle felt terrible. My right arm was injured and wouldn't allow me to shoot with any aim. I had shot some of my own men when I had tried.

Why was I running? There weren't any vehicles to get. It would take too much time to get one running. The terrain was good for hiding, as fate would have it. Not too good, Judgment Day had taken a number on Earth. I hid behind a boulder and killed the two that were pursuing me.

Well, that's what I would tell my superiors. Instead, I shot their kneecaps and continued to run. It would be a few miles before I could slow down. But I would reach base. I would make sure of it.

* * *

I had gotten back to my current base hours ago. The doctor had looked over me and I had rested. I didn't have any duties to perform so I started to explore. There were parts of the base that were off limits for some reason. A more obedient soldier than I would've left those areas alone. But I was curious.

Finding a lock door I picked it. It was surprisingly difficult. It lead to a 'hidden' area but the lock seemed odd. No matter, I got it unlocked and then opened it. Walking a few feet I saw a symbol on the walls.

On the left side it was easier to make out than the same one on the right side. The symbol was of a triangle. Two triangles and one diamond that made one big triangle. The symbol for Cyberdyne which was the company that had made Skynet.

They just had to be random sketchings on the wall. Just had to be. Even if they weren't, the Resistance was hiding out in a former Skynet base. No problem there. Right? As I reached the end of the hallway I entered a room that destroyed all doubts.

I leaned against a wall in shock at what I was seeing. I now knew that I had been fighting on the wrong side all along.

The room I was in was a factory. But not of anything useful to the Resistance. Right in front of my eyes Terminators were being made.

But how was it possible that I had been fighting for Skynet and not have known what I was doing? Could brainwashing really be that good of a tool?

Before I could think of anything more, something hit the back of my head and all was black.

"Jash!" A loud and angry voice shouted in my ear. I opened my eyes and saw a commander looking me dead in the eyes. His look was something that I shouldn't have seen, especially after first waking up. I quickly stood up.

"What is it?" I asked. I would've been more polite had I not remembered what I had seen last night. But what had I seen? "Terminator Factory."

"Your one of those nuts?" The Commander asked. I hadn't meant to say 'Terminator Factory' out loud but I had. And now the enemy would know. "Somehow all the people who just get assigned to Base 42 think Terminators are still made here. It's been years since the factory has been working."

"Then why is it off limits?"

"Because a Grey could build a Terminator and then we'd all be dead here." He explained. "And if it is running, which it couldn't possibly be, then it would be because of a Grey. Not because of any of us in command."

"I have proof." I said, turned around, and lifted up my hair. "Someone, or something, knocked me out by hitting the back of my head."

The Commander looked for a few minutes and then replied, "There's no mark on the back of your head. You must have fallen asleep while on patrol."

"I didn't have patrol last night." I said.

The Commander shook his head. "You did. That's why I was looking for you."

"What do you want me to do, Sir?" I asked. I was afraid of a possible punishment.

"Since you're well rested now, go get something to eat and go out on patrol." He commanded. "Go five miles out and circle the base a few times. Those who actually took their patrolling duties seriously thinks there might be intruders coming."

I wanted to ask why me but figured it wouldn't be a good idea. I had a bad dream and annoyed a commander. I looked around and saw that I had been sleeping on the roof of Base 42.

As I went to the mess hall I thought that it was highly likely that what I had seen was a dream. When I sat down and started to eat my food I remembered some of my comrades telling me about this being an old Cyberdyne Building. Though, somehow, that memory seemed to be new. It did occur a few weeks back, but it seemed as though it was from a few hours ago.

So had I just dreamt it all? I guess the answer would be yes. How hard the Terminator, or Grey, had hurt me would leave a mark. I rubbed the back of my head and felt nothing. But the dream had felt so real.

After I finished eating I headed out to patrol duty. It was boring for the first hour or so. Finally there was some action. As the two people came closer I tried to identify them.

One had long dark hair and large lips. It looked like a million bees had stung them. However, I could see a beauty and strength in her movements. The other person had blond hair, normal sized lips, and a good pair of titties. Those things weren't huge, but still bigger than normal.

When they got close they pointed their guns at me and I put my finger on the trigger to my own.

"Who are you?" I asked them.

The one with the large lips replied, "Commander Jesse Flores and," Jesse pointed to the other one with her eyes. "Riley Dawson."

I thought about those names. I suddenly remembered them as Greys. I aimed at Jesse but Riley stepped in the way. While Jesse seemed to be a sinner, Riley appeared innocent. She must have fought and killed, but there was still innocence in her.

"Put the gun down, metal." Jesse said and Riley stayed where she was. I put my gun down slowly and stood back up.

Looking at Riley I noticed that she was wearing a type of armor underneath her clothing. There was a slight bulge that I hadn't noticed before. It had been a trap.


	3. Eyes Opened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jash has been captured by Resistance Fighters Riley Dawson and Jesse Flores. Through questioning Jash learns some new horrifying truth about herself.

Jesse Flores, who I knew as a Grey, was walking around the little shack I had found us. She didn't seem angry at the choice of location even though I would've been. Riley Dawson was following her and they were talking. I would've listened in if I could hear them.

But, as I watched them, I found out that they were using hand signals they had learned from Skynet. Well, Terminators had taught the duo the signals. Riley didn't seem to be adept at the slight signals and Jesse had to keep on correcting her.

This shack was away from the Resistance Base 42. It was still close enough, though, to run back and get others to help. Images from my dream that one night came back to me. I shook the doubts away. It had only been a dream. I was working for the Resistance and not Skynet. Never Skynet.

Finally Riley walked over to me. She seemed to be scared of me, since her movements seemed to be slow and guarded. I didn't know how I looked to her. I hoped I looked calm.

"I'm Riley Dawson." She said.

"I know, I have ears." I replied. "You're really not that scared, are you?"

"Should I be?" She asked.

"You are a Grey."

"And you are..."

"I am Jash and I fight for the Resistance. I will never give up the fight against Skynet. Never. Even if death parts me from the war."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jesse tense up. I knew if I even moved an inch in the wrong direction, I would have to deal with her.

"And what makes you sure that you're on the right side?" She asked.

"It's the Resistance, that's enough for me." I replied, ignoring the fact that doubts were starting to build up.

Riley nodded and held out her hand. "Maybe I'll be on your side one day."

I looked at the hand. Was this a good cop, bad cop thing? Or did she really believe what she said? And did it really matter at this moment? I shook her hand and said, "The Resistance will be happy to have any soldier that is loyal."

After that Riley went to Jesse. Though their movements were small, they showed love. Not love for a fellow soldier, but for a lover. I didn't remember anyone from the Resistance acting like that.

Not even when I snuck up on them and caught them by surprise.  
**********************  
There was silence and the only sound were small rain drops. As of now, they were spaced far apart. But a storm was assured. I hated silence of this kind. The kind when there was a coming storm. Finally the heavy rain started.

The desert, that's what it was now, didn't recieve the rain very well. Luckily for us, the shack was made post-Judgement Day. We would be safe. At least the two Greys would be.

"Hey." I said when the boredom got too great for me.

There was no reaction from Jesse, but Riley shifted one foot. At least it was a reaction.

"So you two going to do anything?" I asked. "You can tie me up and enjoy yourselves."

"Don't listen to it, Riley." Jesse whispered into Riley's ear.

"Why not?" She asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" I replied. "She doesn't want me to disturb you."

Jesse looked me over and seemed to be deciding between two options. When she had reached a decision she said, "You don't have the power to disturb her. Go ahead and ask your questions."

Even though I didn't fully trust Riley, she was the most trustworthy one at the moment. "Why are you here, Riley?" I asked.

With a slight nod from Jesse, Riley answered me, "We were scouting the area. There's a Skynet Base close by and the Resistance needed more information. Jesse decided to come along."

Realizing she couldn't stay silent, Jesse added, "I'm usually away on a submarine so I can't be with Riley."

Jesse took Riley's hand in hers. That wasn't a random motion. It was a warning from Jesse.

Something bothered me about what Riley and Jesse had implied. Well, that they had said. "But there's no Skynet Base close by." I said.

"Hasn't your metal brain realized something?" Jesse said in a controlled rage. "Or is Skynet losing its touch?"

What I said next made me feel ashamed. "I don't have a full memory of myself." I said. "I do know I fight for the Resistance. That's all I need to know."

Jesse hardly changed her expression, but Riley shifted in her seat. It was time for the questioning to begin in earnest. Everything else had been warm up. It had all been practice. Probably just for Riley.

"What day did you join the Resistance?" Jesse asked.

"After Judgment Day sometime. The exact day is fuzzy."

"How can it be fuzzy if you're so dedicated? I would imagine that's the last thing you'd ever forget."

Jesse was right. It was odd for me to forget that. Sometime after Judgment Day? Nothing of what actually happened that day? What fucking bullshit was that? I tried to remember, but I couldn't.

"Why did you join the Resistance?" Riley asked. Her voice gentle and kind.

"Hello? Skynet bad. Resistance good." I replied sarcastically.

"Is it really safe to simplify that?"

"It's the only way to fight. To not question things that will confuse you."

"So you follow without thought? You don't have your own mind?" Jesse asked. "Sounds like how metal thinks."

"How do you follow orders, Flores?" I asked. Something had changed, I didn't want to assume she was a Grey anymore.

"I made sure of the side I was joining first."

"What makes you think I didn't?"

"You don't remember when or have a clear reason why." Jesse said and nodded to Riley.

"A human would break things down." Riley said.

"Wait. Hold on. You're saying I'm not human?" I asked with shock making it impossible for me to emote.

"Jesse wouldn't let you live if she thought you were a Terminator." Riley said. "You aren't metal, but you are probably brainwashed."

There was a pause as Jesse had to put an arm around Riley. After a few seconds, Riley grew calm enough to continue, "They've messed you up. But you are human."  
*************************  
"Hurry up, Jash." Jesse Flores commanded me. I hurried up and packed the rest of my supplies. It was odd taking orders from a woman I had considered my enemy. That I had considered a Grey. But I had been the Grey. Though that hadn't been my fault.

"Don't mind her." Riley Dawson said and helped me pack. There had been a few days of being questioned by the pair, but they had ruled me safe. The only problem being that I had been brainwashed.

"I'll try not to." I sighed and took a better look at Jesse. Riley was lucky to be tapping that. I couldn't since, even though I wasn't metal, Jesse couldn't imagine ourselves in each other. Shaking my head, I wondered why I had thought that. I hadn't had sexual thoughts before. I would say I was growing up, but I was already twenty-three. Hormones would've already taken effect.

"You going to turn on us?" Jesse asked and looked at me, preparing herself to shoot me.

"No, I need to get to the real Resistance." I said. "I need to see if I can really help out as much as I thought I was before."

After a few more minutes of checking, we were off. Being with the Resi-Skynet. It was Skynet that I had fought for. Skynet never made it this hard to go from place to place. I thought war was hard. Now I was bored. And after the second day, Jesse and Riley told me to shut up until I came up with some good jokes. In my defense, I hadn't had much practice.

Finally, to the relief of both me and the other two, we came upon a Resistance Camp. Unlike Base 42, this Resistance Camp was made up of broken buildings. I assumed that there were at least a few rooms underground.

I grew nervous as we approached the guards. I didn't know why, but every inch of me told me to run away because something bad would happen. I scratched my head as I tried to figure out why.

I took my hand away from my head as Jesse said who we all were. Leaving out that I had been a Grey.

"Where are the dogs?" I asked one of the guards.

"Most of them are sick." He replied. "And some of them are out doing other jobs."

Jesse nodded and we went in. I looked at these real humans and saw an obvious difference. There were more expressions than metal could hope to reproduce. Small things. Little things. But still emotions. Emotions of real humans.

Jesse, Riley, and I walked to our room. Our room turned out having one wall missing and the paint all gone from the remaining walls.

"Lovely." I said.

"This isn't-" Jesse looked around. "Skynet. You have to get used to a lack of luxury."

"Yeah, it isn't." I replied. "But I'm glad for that. So why did you two get together?"

This was a topic I knew would make them comfortable. And that, in turn, would make me comfortable. I saw Jesse smile which scared me in some way.

"Well, Riley has a great shyness to her." She said and Riley blushed. "Plus her courage is second to none. You saw what she did to capture you."

I nodded. That was a memory I'd rather forget.

"Jesse is the only one I felt really comfortable with." Riley took Jesse's hand into hers.

Jesse squeezed Riley's hand and said, "Besides, there's been no man in my life that I cared for."  
***********************  
Skynet had good meals. The shack that Jesse Flores, Riley Dawson, and I had stayed in was adequate. Now 'Ol Jack Camp had the worst food I had ever had. Being named after its location (Jackson, Wyoming), it didn't get very creative. I managed to swallow the last of my four protein bars.

As I wasn't officially a member of the Resistance, I didn't get as much as the officers. Riley, kind hearted soul she was, had given me half a loaf of her bread. Jesse hadn't given me jackshit, but that was who she was. If she had given me anything I'd be scared.

After breakfast, we had gone separate ways. Jesse and Riley had some business to do. Which, I assumed, meant finding a secret place in 'Ol Jack. That meant I got to walk around. After an hour of walking around the camp, I grew very bored.

Finally I saw a man sitting on a block that used to be part of a building. In fact, part of the building it was now next to. I waved to him and he waved back. He didn't have any defining characteristics besides being tall and skinny. Though I couldn't miss his battle worn face that contrasted with his innocent eyes.

"I haven't seen you around here before." He said. "My name is Kyle Reese."

"Jash." I replied and sat down by him. After a few minutes of silence, I decided to try for a joke. "So you taken?"

Kyle smiled. "Yeah."

"Who's the lucky girl?"

"Star." He said and his smile increased. "She is my reason for fighting. We met when we were kids and no one could separate us for very long."

"Damn. So do you have a brother that's single?"

Kyle's features took a downward turn. Any happiness that Star had evoked was taken away with the mention of his brother.

"I'm sorry," I replied. "How did he die?"

"He died on Judgment Day." Kyle said. "I don't know exactly what happened. All I know is that after the bombs dropped, his body was unrecognizable. Another survivor and I were able to identify him after hours of looking. You lose anyone on Judgment Day?"

"I don't remember." I said and realized my slip. "It was too horrible."

"So your mind has blocked it?" He asked. "Nothing to be ashamed of. A bunch of soldiers here end up doing that."

"Yeah. My mind has blocked it." I agreed.

Kyle picked up on my nervousness and took out a picture. "Maybe this will cheer you up. Lord knows it hasn't done anything for me."

I took the picture and looked at it. There was a woman and a dog in a Jeep. The woman was wearing sunglasses and had lovely brown hair. The woman seemed familiar to me, but I couldn't tell where I had seen her before.

"Who is she?" I asked.

"Sarah Connor. John Connor's mother." Kyle said as I handed the picture back to him. "He keeps on talking about her to me, but I don't get anything out of it. Why should I long for a dead woman? I have Star."

Kyle's radio made noise and he picked it up. After a brief conversation, he turned to me. "Sorry, have to go now." He said and pushed himself off the block. "Good luck with your memories, Jash."

I nodded and watched him leave. Once he got out of sight, I screamed as a massive headache hit me. It was worse than any migraine I had had before. Opening my eyes slightly, my vision blurred. For a few precious moments nothing made sense.

I fell off the block and spasmed in pain. Finally my vision returned to normal. Suddenly a realization came to me. There were Terminators in 'Ol Jack Camp. Taking out my gun I started to search for them.

I wouldn't allow Jesse, Riley, or Kyle to get hurt by them. That was my one and only mission at the moment.

I shot a Terminator in the head and there was sparks before it fell down. I kicked another one down and it screamed in pain. I had been doing this for what seemed like hours, and there was always metal around the corner.

I saw a metal hand coming towards me and twisted her arm off. It then tried to stab me with a knife before it died from a loss of blood. The metal men shot at me but I was stronger than anything Skynet could throw at me. How dare they try and harm my friends!

Skynet wouldn't fool me with any of its tricks. Never again would I work for it.

"Jash!" A voice yelled at me and I recognized it as Jesse's.

"Jesse!" I yelled at her and saw her point her rifle at me. Then I realized something terrible. It horrified me to my core. But it was the truth nonetheless. "I'm sorry."

With that I aimed at the metal bitch but was thwarted when it shot first.

"Arg!" I yelled at the top of my lungs as I felt pain. "Fucking bitch!"

I then ran at it and managed to toss the gun easily aside. The metal bitch, formerly known as Jesse Flores, punched my head with no effect. I felt fear pour from it but I didn't care.

"You're just metal." I said to it. Not to threaten it, but to calm myself. "You called yourself friend but you're a traitor. How dare you fool Riley Dawson!"

"I could say the same thing about you." She hissed. The anger was so human, but I wouldn't let myself be fooled. It wouldn't do to be fooled by such a machine.

"I don't have time for this." I answered her and then twisted her neck. The sound was like bone, though it couldn't be.

"Jesse! No!" Riley's voice yelled. "You bitch! I trusted you!"

Then all went black.


	4. Demon in the Shell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jash is captured by the Resistance and meets John. She also learns something new about herself.

The darkness receded and I thought I heard noises. Gravity was pulling down on me and I realized I must be hanging somewhere. I was hanging by my wrists and ankles. I must have been captured by the Terminators that had attacked 'Ol Jack Camp. Unfortunately, my muscles weren't cooperating which meant I had been hanging for awhile.

My eyes opened further but my vision was blurred. I could now tell that I was above a pit, whether it was metal or dirt I couldn't tell, and there were human-like blurs in front of me. I tried to scream but what came out could only be described as a gasp.

What had really happened? Were these people Greys? If they were, then I was going to have a hell of time getting out. One of the human-like blurs came in front of me and I tried to stare at him angrily.

I heard a woman call him John Connor. The John Connor? Leader of the Resistance? I continued to look at him as my vision cleared. And, when it fully cleared I did a real gasp. He was like an angel. All he was missing were a halo and wings. Screw the harp, his body looked like it could make music on its own.

I had to reel myself back in when I realized he thought that I was the enemy. Because, if he didn't, I wouldn't be hanging here.

"Who are you?" John asked angrily. His voice matched his body.

"Jash." I replied and there was silence. After a few seconds both my vision and hearing were back to normal.

"Where were you made?"

"Made? I was born." I replied. I was human. I was born not made.

"Then who was your mother?" He asked and I was stumped.

"I don't know. Does it really matter? I fight Skynet now and my life before doesn't matter."

"A person would remember who their mother was."

"What if I'm not just an ordinary girl?" I said softly to him. I tried to take as much anger out of my voice as I could. He didn't deserve it. He was only doing his job.

"Maybe you aren't." John said and walked away.

I had just met an angel and he wanted to drag me to Hell. My only hope was a man. The man asked a woman, "Have you ever seen Connor go lightly on metal before?"

I wasn't metal, but the first part was true. John didn't hate me.

*************

 

After a few days I was finally let down. Unfortunately it wasn't to admit that I was innocent and a member of the Resistance. Instead I was put into a cell. I was constantly guarded by an ever changing number of guards. The most I had seen were 4 guards.

Sometimes I was given food, but most of the time I wasn't. It was like I was less than human. This continued on for weeks until I thought it would never end until I died. And, if I died, I wished I could see John Connor before I did.

That wish was answered when the door opened. I was prepared to eat whatever came through the door. What stepped through the door was John Connor and I just sat where I was. By his expression I realized that he had made a difficult decision. Whatever the decision was, I knew it wouldn't be good for me.

John shut the door and stood there. He looked me in the eyes and I could tell it was hard for him. "Jash, I've decided what to do with you." He finally said.

"What?" I asked and leaned forward.

"You're a danger to the Resistance. It's not safe enough for you to live."

"If it's not safe enough for me to live, why are you here?" I asked and stood up. "And what do you mean a danger to the Resistance? I've done nothing but help the Resistance? True, I was brainwashed a good majority of the time, but I will always have my loyalty."

"Are you sure the loyalty wasn't just part of the brainwashing?" John asked.

"No." I said and thought about it for a few seconds. "My loyalty is buried so deep that it has to be a part of me. I can't imagine it ever being taken from me."

I didn't tell him, but my loyalty was originally just for the Resistance and now some of it was for him. I didn't know why. I had never been a believer in love at first sight. But maybe there was something to the saying?

As I thought this I could tell that John was going through his own decisions. Finally he said, "I don't think you have to die. Your hybrid model, I believe, can survive without a chip." He started to open the door and looked at me with pity in his eyes. "If not, we will bury you. I promise."

As he left my cell and closed the door I yelled out, "I'm not metal! I'm not metal! I'm not metal!"  
*******************************************

 

"No!" I yelled out. I couldn't move so I took to screaming. "Talk to John Connor! There must have been a mistake!"

Barely able to turn my head, I could still tell that I was being held on a metal operating table. Any movements were cut off by cuffs. Any second thoughts were cut off by Barnes, one of John's most trusted comrades, and his gun.

There was also a woman in the room. She had introduced herself as Katherine Connor, the wife of John Connor. This would've meant something to me if my current situation was different.

"I'm not metal!" I screamed out. "You're going to kill me! There is no chip! Please, stop! I'm loyal to the Resistance! Please believe me!"

"I'm giving her a shot." Kate said and I tried to see where she was. "I can't operate on this thing if it isn't quiet."

"My plan would be quick." Barnes said.

"John wants it alive and functional." Kate said and suddenly I felt something go into my veins and I was calm.

Hell, I was more than calm. I suddenly realized that life wasn't a dream but a nightmare. And that made me laugh. I didn't mind that I suddenly couldn't speak, that didn't matter. What mattered was that John liked me, I liked John, and I was going to die happy.

As I felt a hole going into my head I realized Kate was sort of cute. Well, she could be cute if I wasn't going to die and John was married to her. There was a sharp pain and I started to see and feel the past. Well, it wasn't the past I knew. It was the real past.

I had never been part of the Resistance. I had been modified by Skynet. I had been its test rat. I was a hybrid, I finally realized. John hadn't been wrong in calling me metal, I was a Terminator. The only light I could turn to was the fact that I hadn't been born metal. I had been human, but Skynet must've erased those memories.

"Ah!" I yelled out. Or thought I did. Did it really matter at this point?

An image popped into my head of the party after my first battle. Or maybe I had seen many battles and those memories would soon come back to me. But that party wasn't a party, it had been to get a fluid into me. Why couldn't they be humane and just literally fuck me silly?

And the doctor had been checking out how much damage had been done to my body. The fluid helped control me. It had seemed like alcohol to me at the time.

And one of the strangest things, the two lesbians kissing and my male comrades reacting like schoolboys, was to help test my thinking process. I stumbled because my Maker didn't want me to go too far. Skynet hadn't just wanted a zombie, it wanted something that could think and reason. Within certain parameters, of course.

I felt my body again and the tears coming out of my eyes. I killed Jesse Flores. I knew that now. Her death, among the others I must have killed, remained the darkest.

I could hardly tell when Kate made sure I was stable. Though I was able to answer her questions. She appeared kinder to me now, or maybe it was her training. I assumed she was a doctor.

As I cried, I saw Barnes looking at me angrily. I didn't care for I should be hated. No, I had to have a different outlook. The drug Kate had given me had shown me a different outlook on life. That's the outlook I wanted and would keep from now on.  
**************************  
My head hurt. That was the one thought that was greatest in my mind. The other thought could be summed up as: why the hell was I back in my cell? I wasn't going to hurt anyone. With this headache I couldn't hurt a fly. Except if it was by accident.

I heard footsteps that were louder than I was used to. Not louder due to my hybrid senses, but because of the damn headache. I waited calmly to see who would come through the door. And who should appear but Barnes.

Barnes' expression was angry and there wasn't one inch of him where anger didn't shine through. I could tell that he was trying to hold himself back. However, the chances of that lasting long wasn't high.

"How dare you." Barnes finally said. "Pretending to be human. Wearing our skin and faking our emotions."

"You mean how dare I let Skynet violate me without my agreement?" I said and leaned forward. "Yeah, how dare I."

This whole using what I felt from the drugs was working out well. At least I was feeling better. Barnes, not so much.

After a few minutes he came back with, "You don't remember. You told Kate that. You could've been a Grey."

"If I was I'm not now." I replied. "Whatever I was before doesn't matter now. Now I am fully loyal to the Resistance and a comrade to the cause."

"But you did fight for Skynet. Or have you forgotten that?"

"I will never forget and I will probably have nightmares about it in the future. For now, though, all I can promise is my loyalty to the Resistance."

Barnes put his face close to mine and I could smell the hate. It wasn't unprovoked, I had worked for Skynet before. "Nothing will ever make up for what you did, you-" He said and stopped as John entered the cell.

Barnes quickly stood up and saluted John. John's gaze, however, went to mine. In that brief moment where our eyes met, there were so many strong emotions that we both felt. I sent him the feelings of new love and he sent that back to me with the added emotion of regret.


	5. First Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jash forgets she is telling her story as she remembers her first meeting of John Connor.

The memory of John Connor's look at me took over. I forgot every unimportant detail. The fact that he was dead and that I was giving my life story to my fellow comrades. Comrades that, in one timeline, I had been the leader of.

None of that mattered. Why the hell would it? There were people in your life that you could never forget no matter what actually happened. John was my anchor and right now he was doing his anchoring. Even if that was being done beyond the grave.

A sudden cough and all the unimportant details took over me. I turned to see who was the bastard who forced me back into reality. And, of course, it had to be Marty. Turning to look at him I stared. What he had done had been horrible but should I blame him?

I had blamed Sarah Connor for something less and had done far worse. The look in his eyes offered me comfort even when I didn't want them to. In a few seconds I regained the resentment and anger. The bastard wouldn't make me feel if I didn't want to.

I went over the crowd recalling what we had just gone through. Some of them were cute and some I could have feelings for. Especially Lillith who had stood by me for much longer than any sane person would. When I looked at her, her return look was anything but sane. Sitting by her was Tin-Miss whose unemotional face still showed anger.

Tin-Miss, who really had the name of Cameron, was a loyal comrade which was the only reason she was now walking. Well, the only reason I allowed her to walk. That and a part of my history wouldn't allow me to kill her again.

I gathered myself together and looked for the drugged feeling again. Suddenly I was in a room full of idiots and I was the grand jester. There was the person who had killed John, the one who had taken the orders, and the one that had blood lust to make a vampire jealous.

A slight smile returned to my face and I was able to face the crowd once again.

"I know that all those seated here know the end result of this tale." I said. "And that some of these details might seem tedious to you. But it is better that you know what really happened than just rumors. I know there are some juicy rumors that you'd all like to believe."

I leaned forward and smiled and some of my Followers smirked. "But not all of them are true. Now, let's continue my amazing and true story."


	6. New Recruit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jash becomes a real member of the Resistance.

"Skynet did manage to put some intelligence into their foot soldiers." My Resistance trainer for the day said. Unlike Barnes, he was white. But, like Barnes, he had the same loathing for me.

"Terminators would be useless if they couldn't think," I replied while trying to not think of myself as one of them. "If they couldn't think then they couldn't fight."

My trainer's face assumed a blank expression to not give me the pleasure of seeing him angry. It didn't matter to me what his expression was because I knew what he was feeling. Or at least I had a very good guess of what his emotions were at the moment.

"That will be all for today, Jash." He said. The only motion he made for me to go away was to turn his face from mine.

"I'll see you tomorrow then." I said as I walked away. I wasn't expecting a reply and was rewarded with silence.

My footsteps brought me closer to my new destination. Faster than a human's would. No, I was doing what was called speed walking. I just had an easier time at it than a pure human would. That way of realization wouldn't lead me anywhere useful and might cause problems in the future.

But I didn't care at the moment.

I opened a door into a very small room. Like the rest of the base, it seemed to be about to collapse at any given moment. However, there wasn't a high likelihood that it would. The base reflected the very human spirit of those living here. A spirit that I didn't really have. But that I wished I did.

The only furniture in the room was a chair. Its front faced the door and I went over to it. As I went to sit down a woman entered the room. Once I was comfortable, she had shut the door. The look on her face showed that she had been in a few battles, but nothing that had torn her apart yet.

The Resistance woman stood in front of me and remained quiet for a few minutes. I didn't know whether she was nervous or if she was holding back her anger. Finally she spoke, "Jash, why did you join the Resistance?"

"Because Skynet needs to die." I replied.

"But you are a Terminator."

"I am only a Terminator because Skynet desecrated my body. I was probably just a normal human girl before. Hanging out with friends and trying to hide my feelings for my newest crush. I don't know what I would've done. I just know that it would've been normal."

"So you want revenge?"

"I want the ability to be human again. Without having to worry about Skynet trying to stop me."

"And will you be willing to follow our leader John Connor?"

"I've been asked that more times than I can count. And, being a hybrid, you better believe I can count pretty damn high." I paused only to have her look confused with how to react to my words. "And my answer is still the same. The answer is still yes."

She then asked her final question, "Is there any reason you are willing to?"

I thought about my answer. The truth was that I loved John and would follow him to the end of the world. Well, beyond the end of the world. But I couldn't tell this woman that. If she told John, things could get awkward. And I didn't know how I could get my feelings across to him. Leaving that duty to someone I didn't know wouldn't be a smart thing to do.

When I formulated a good sounding answer I spoke, "I trust John Connor. I trust that he is the best way to defeating Skynet."

The woman nodded. "Our session is over for now."

With that she walked out. I waited a few minutes and then headed towards my room. My room wasn't the same as my holding cell, but only slightly better. I wasn't considered a part of the Resistance by most members, so I was lucky just to have a room.

Resistance fighters passed me as I headed to my room. To me they weren't important and only one caught my eye and turned his face from mine. I swore John Connor had been looking at me, but he had quickly turned his gaze to another soldier. After that there was a conversation between the two.

I continued to move towards my room, but the thought that John had been sneaking a look at me continued to grow. The only bright light in this war.

*************************************************

While lying in my bed I thought about John. The perfect John Connor. At least that's how he appeared to me. If it weren't for him I would be dead. The only upside to being dead is that I would never know what I really was. Finding out that I was a hybrid had been bad enough, but finding out that I had been working for Skynet had been worse. And could John ever love a machine? Even if he wasn't already married?

As I ran through those thoughts in my head, I faintly heard knocking on my door. Coming back to the present I got off my bed and opened the door. A disinterested human face greeted me in my doorway.

"What is it?" I asked the woman.

"Katherine Connor orders you to come to Sickbay." She replied. Her voice somehow conveying both hatred and boredom at once.

"Are you going to walk me there?" I asked. For some reason I liked the way she looked and wanted to ask her to stay in my room for a little bit. But I couldn't because I had to show John that I was faithful. He had seemed to look past me being a hybrid and that I had been a pawn of Skynet. Not being faithful would be asking too much of him.

"No, I think you can find your own way." With that the woman walked away and I was left to walk to Sickbay myself.

I left only when I had gotten myself properly dressed. While walking to Sickbay I thought about why John would've married Katherine. While she was loyal, dedicated, and intelligent I couldn't see anything special about her. And when someone decided to marry, shouldn't the object of their affections be special?

Katherine was tending to a wounded soldier. I had to stand in the doorway for a few minutes before she even acknowledged me. It wasn't until after she had finished with the soldier that she said, "Jash, do you have any medical experience?"

The soldier got up, thanked Katherine, and then walked out of Sickbay.

"No," I replied as soon as the soldier had left. "I don't think Skynet had any need of me fixing any humans up. I mean, they never planned on a party for the Resistance. Not really that close."

"It probably wanted you to be a good killer, which means you had to know anatomy." Katherine said and walked to a table, ignoring my sarcastic answer. Things had been set up to look like a makeshift classroom.

Those were the last words that were spoken before I was getting tested on my medical skills. The testing went on for hours and it seemed like Katherine was being too hard on me. Of course it could just be that I was worn out from the distrust the Resistance had shown me so far. Or Katherine was being hard on me because she wanted to make sure of what I knew.

After the testing she gave me very basic medical training for the next two hours. When all of that was finished I leaned against the wall. While nothing physically draining had happened, the fact that I had been making sure not to say the wrong thing had worn me down.

"You did a better job than I expected." Katherine finally said.

"Thank you, Mrs. Connor." I said to show my gratitude and that I knew that John was her's. At least for the time being.

"One more thing before I let you go, though." She said and I could see that she was trying to control her hatred.

"What is it?" I asked.

"John Connor, my husband, is a very loyal man." Katherine said. "He won't let temptations get the better of him. No matter how much he wants them to. Do you understand me?"

"Yes." I reply and Katherine signaled me to leave. I did so with a happy thought in my head. The thought that Katherine felt threatened by me.

*****************************************

I tried to control my breathing. I thought that being a hybrid would mean I wouldn't get so nervous. Or maybe my nervousness was because my chip had been removed, so I didn't have as much control as I should have.

After I got my uniform on, I looked at myself in a dirty mirror. Wiping the mirror off a little I could see myself just a little better. I know why I was attracted to John Connor, but would my looks and abilities be enough for me to win him over?

But there were other things to attend to now. Such as the upcoming battle. I walked out of my room and went to join the other soldiers. My comrades. There was some pre-battle talk among them but I didn't join in. Partially because I was nervous and partially because I knew the soldiers didn't want to talk to me. I was a hybrid and therefore a creation of Skynet. And there was nothing worse than something of the enemy being on your side.

But all those thoughts were pushed aside when I saw John Connor come to join the troops. For some reason he was keeping Katherine at the base. All the better for me to bond more with John. We hadn't talked much due to Katherine's efforts to keep me away from him and how busy he was in his duties as leader of the Resistance.

John Connor stood in front of me and my comrades while he gave a speech. I didn't hear what he said, I was just looking at the way he said it. It didn't matter I wasn't listening to his words as I had made sure to be clear about the battle beforehand. So I looked at his facial expressions, the sound of his voice, and how the Resistance soldiers responded to him. It was no wonder that I was falling for him. In a different way, the Resistance had fallen in love with him.

After he was done giving his speech, we went into different helicopters. I went into the one I had been assigned to and saw myself next to John Connor. I was going into battle with him right beside me. Not just as my leader, but as someone beside me.

As the landscape passed below us, I tried to calm myself down again. I knew once I was in battle I would be able to distract myself, but not now.

"First time?" John jokingly asked me.

"For the right side and not under mind control, yes." I replied with a smile.

"I'm sure you'll do fine. You were made to fight."

"And what were you made for?"

John paused a moment. His mind seemed to turn in on itself. Finally he replied, "I was made to lead."

"Skynet didn't mess with you. You are human and I don't think you were made for a purpose. You are free to make your own decisions. Your own destiny." I said.

He gave me a weak smile.

"You just do what you were made for, Jash." John said and that was the last thing he said to me before the battle began.

We arrived at the battlefield and there was chaos. Of course it was controlled chaos but it was hard to concentrate. However, I was quickly able to realize what I was supposed to do. This wasn't my first battle, but this was the first time I was fully aware of it. This time I knew who I was fighting for and who I was fighting against.

Minutes turned into hours and hours turned into years. Orders were yelled at me and I obeyed. It was odd killing Terminators and knowing that they were metal. I had to hold back bile as I remembered I used to be brainwashed to not know I was killing humans.

Once the deepest levels of hell became just the entrance, I felt relieved. Even though all of us wanted to shout out in joy for the fact that we were alive and had won today, we knew that we couldn't rest until we were back at base. The only safety we were guaranteed.

After a few minutes I remembered John. What if he had died?

"John!" I yelled while running around looking for him. Suddenly I heard a shot and then felt it pass me by just inches.

As I turned my gun around to try and find the attacker, another shot was fired and I heard a Terminator fall down. When I found my savior with my eyes I had to remind myself I still was not safe. I would have to leave dreaming about John Connor for another time. When I wasn't being shot at by surviving metal.

Another shot grazed my body and I turned to look for the new Terminator. This time John shot at it but I didn't hear it fall down. That task was mine as I turned to look for it as more Terminators fired at me. My savior's duty was now protecting me as I fired back at the remaining Terminators.

As shots were exchanged I felt alive. As Judgment Day had already happened, this felt like the only real kind of bonding that could exist. Never mind that my memories before Judgment Day hadn't come back to me yet. The point was that I thought that John and I were growing closer together than ever before.

While I focused on the Terminators that were shooting at me, I also made sure John wasn't in danger of dying. I knew that focusing on myself was selfish, but if I didn't I couldn't protect him. My current selfishness would be better during this fight.

Finally I shot down the last Terminator and turned to John and said, "Good shot, John."

"Couldn't have done it without you, Jash." He said and smiled at me. We both ignored the fact that I had given him credit for my shooting abilities.

I don't know if I'd ever encounter something so beautiful as his smile again. And now, while we weren't in immediate danger, I could focus on him.

"If you weren't there I'd be dead." I said and walked over to him.

Once I got close to him, he grasped my arm. "I could say the same thing about you."

For a few moments we just looked into each other's eyes. I was silent because I didn't want to say the wrong thing. While battle did unite people, I didn't know if it had united us enough for him to leave Katherine.

Why he remained silent I couldn't tell. I didn't want to guess in case the answer wasn't one I was looking for.

When the moment had passed he let go of me and we walked to a helicopter. I went in and John stood outside of it and talked to a few Resistance Fighters. Before the battle my comrades hadn't talked to me, but now they were congratulating me. Not for me getting a small bit of John's affection, but for me surviving my first battle. Well, first battle with the Resistance. My first battle for the right side.

John finally joined me and the congratulations stopped as my comrades were scared of saying some of the more vulgar comments in front of their leader. Once the helicopter I was in landed at base I got out after John.

Him being the leader of the Resistance meant he took the brunt of the reactions. After not seeing Barnes for so long, I had trouble remaining calm as he went up to John. While Barnes had kind words for John, he ignored me.

Katherine came running into John's arm. He hugged her tightly. But I could tell she wasn't pleased with how tight he was hugging her.

"Promise me you'll let me go next time." Katherine whispered into John's ear. Only the combination that I was standing close to John and was a hybrid meant I heard it. And by hearing it I felt jealous.

I felt jealous because Katherine was trying to come between John and my's budding relationship. Yes, she was his wife but I saw that as a temporary position for her.

"I promise I will one day." John replied to her and I suddenly felt guilty. Katherine, whatever her faults were, made John happy. I wanted to make John happy like she did, but what if any of my tinkering made him not feel joy ever again?

Katherine and John let go of each other and she turned to me. And with the cold look she gave me I felt a little better about wanting to come between them.

"Jash, I think this makes you a real member of the Resistance now." Katherine said. I felt guilty again, but not enough to turn me from planning to take John away from her.


	7. Angelic Savior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jash deals with her feelings for John Connor.

 "No, no, no." The cook told me and I had to hold back a sigh.

  
I had been accepted into the Resistance but that didn't mean much when my fellow comrades didn't trust me. Every day, sometimes every hour, it seemed there was a new rumor about me. The rumors usually focused on how I was secretly still working with Skynet. I assumed once John got things under control I'd be free to do what Resistance Fighters usually did.

  
For now I was doing simple jobs like kitchen duty.

  
"Sorry," I replied and stopped chopping up the vegetables.

  
"Do you know how rare these things are?" The cook asked me. Her voice seeming to tremble even before it left her throat.

  
"Really rare." I told her and tried to limit the sarcasm I put into those words.

  
"Yes, rare." She agreed. "Three days ago some soldiers came back with these and I'll be damned if you make it so that they're served wrong."

  
I held back a comment about how you couldn't really mess up chopping things. Well...I did for a few seconds.

  
"I'm chopping up vegetables, I think Skynet covered the chopping part in my programming." I replied.

  
"Maybe the human part of you didn't allow that part of the programming take hold." The cook said and I was silent. "Jash, you're a hybrid. I have heard talks about how you things are made."

  
"I'm sure when I was human I was very smart." I finally countered.

  
The cook just laughed.

  
"I'm sure and then you allowed yourself to be captured by Skynet." The cook said as she showed me how she wanted the vegetables to be chopped up.

  
"Well, maybe I gave my body to science because I thought Cyberdyne was a trustworthy company." I said and now she was silent as I started chopping as she had shown me.  
While I didn't fully understand the cook, I knew enough to allow her what she wanted in the vegetable manner. Vegetables were extremely rare as Judgment Day had destroyed the ability of people to have a lot of successful harvests.

  
So finding a place you could farm at and get out even one successful harvest was a big deal.

  
"I didn't mean to-" The cook started.

  
"No, you didn't, cook." I said. "All of you just see the metal side of me, the side that Skynet used to control for a short time."

  
"I'm sor-" She tried again and didn't remark on the fact that I didn't call her by her name.

  
"No, you're not. You think you're sorry but you're just feeling momentary guilt that will go away when I leave."

  
The rest of the cooking was done in silence and even when she gave me instructions she didn't speak. Maybe she was feeling guilty. Maybe her view on me had changed after the many meals we had prepared together.

  
But that was too much to hope for. She would most likely tell the others that the metal she had worked with had frightened her and that maybe it was still working for Skynet. Then the others would congratulate her like she had taken on Skynet all by herself.

  
The smells had become thick when the cook gingerly tapped me on my shoulder. Her head and hand movements indicated that I was to go now. I didn't know why, but took the opportunity to leave anyway after cleaning up.

  
Leaving the kitchen I ran into two Resistance fighters that were recounting their latest battle. Like the majority of fighters, they weren't happy about fighting. They understood that in war you lost friends and that not everyone survived.

  
Some of them had even encountered that lesson first hand.

  
The Resistance fighters looked at me and I looked away. I didn't have a friend here. No one treated me like an actual person that had been hurt by Skynet. Only John Connor understood me. It was only by his word that I had lived this long.

  
But I feared that a Resistance fighter would get it into his or her head that it was safer if I was dead.

  
The only thing that was protecting me was John Connor and the fear the others had of me.

  
If only I could talk to John and have him help me with my confusion.

  
Was it good that I now lived or was it better if I had died?  
  
X X X  
  
 G and R Base, the base that was considered John Connor's home base and the one I'd been at since being saved by John, was dull again. Every day it was dull when I wasn't about to go on a mission or talking to anyone.

  
I did talk to people, but they weren't really friends. And they weren't talks most of the time, just people judging me. However, humans are social creatures and I took whatever social interactions I could. Even if they weren't what I considered friendly.

  
I had worked with someone else but now I was fixing the jeep on my own. It was odd for me to repair a machine, even if it wasn't a Terminator. The fact that every motion that I made to it and everywhere I looked on the jeep I imagined what was under my skin.

  
The fact that coltan was supporting me instead of bones made me wake up in sweats in the middle of the night. I sometimes was eating and had to force myself not to vomit at the thought. The only thought that made me not kill myself was to know that I had been human at one point.

  
Whatever else Skynet had done to me: Skynet could never change the fact that I was once human.

  
As I finished with my repair work I heard footsteps. I hadn't gotten to recognizing footsteps, except to tell if they were hurrying on a mission or seeing if someone had survived a mission, and when I stood up no one was there.

  
Whoever it was had paused for a minute and then continued on his or her way, though. So had that person wanted to talk to me or just look at the Friendly Resistance Terminator?

  
I headed over to what was commonly refereed to as 'the showers' but the showers didn't usually run. For the most part there were containers of some overused water that people used to keep moderately clean.

  
When I opened the door I turned and saw John Connor taking off his clothes. My gaze lingered longer than it should and I watched every movement. I put these memories into a safe place in my head to think back on.

  
John noticed me and I said, "Sorry, I'll leave if you want me to."

  
"Why? You're just as important to the Resistance as me." John said and gave me a smile.

  
"Yeah, no. Don't think I could lead men like you could." I said and had to stop myself from saying the reason I wanted to leave was because of my thoughts of him.  
How much I wanted to feel his touch and breath on me was overwhelming.

  
"Don't doubt yourself." He replied.

  
"It's not that, I don't think I could lead." I told him and started taking off my own clothing since the likelihood of John allowing me to leave without him having hurt feelings seemed unlikely. "I can fight, I don't doubt that. I know I can fight just as good as any other Resistance fighter."

  
"Even better." He said as he looked at me a little too intently but restrained himself. "You have benefits the others don't have."

  
"You mean being programmed by Skynet?" I said a little less harshly since I was speaking to John.

  
"Partly." John conceded and we walked over to a stall once we were both undressed.

  
I saw no water buckets and smiled.

  
"Yes," He said looking at my face. "Running water today."

  
"So that's why you're down here." I said and laughed as his smile didn't hide anything.

  
I started to walk to another stall when John shook his head.

  
He wanted me!

  
I quickly went into the stall he was in and then he turned on the water.

  
Before I knew what was happening his lips were on mine. Our lips greeted each other like lovers that had been parted for a very long time. His hands went down my back and it felt like it was enjoying every inch of me like a fine meal. My hands went into his hair and I tried to hold myself steady.

  
In what could've been an instant or hours I fell against the wall and he steadied me. And then steadied himself as he en-

  
"-it's just not true." John said as he showered and I woke up from my daydream.

  
I couldn't tell what he had been talking about and realized I was cleaning myself up slowly while cold water ran out of the shower. Lingering on certain place.

  
I was still in his stall but he had been talking about something I hadn't really been listening to.

  
However, I was determined to not let that show, "Everyone believes the wrong thing from time to time."

  
"But I'm their leader." John pleaded. "They think I know what I'm doing and don't usually question me. Hell, Kate sometimes thinks I'm more sure of myself than I am."  
"And do you lie to her about your confidence?"

  
"She's my wife and second in command. She has enough to worry about."

  
"Maybe you should tell her. That's the point of a wife, right? To be a shoulder to cry on?"

  
John laughed sadly and replied. "I...love her, but loving someone means not stressing them out without reason. Besides, at least the Resistance fighters still think I know more than I do."

  
"Some of them, yeah." I said and pointed to myself while shaking my head to indicate I wasn't one of them.

  
As John smiled a real smile I thought about the positives of my situation. While John and I weren't lovers, at least we could still be very close friends. And, at the end of the day, wasn't seeing John happy all I needed?  
  
X X X  
  
John Connor had been spending hours on how he ran the Resistance. I listened to every syllable that came out of his mouth and took in how lovely his voice sounded to my ears. It took all my control to fully concentrate on what was being said. It surprised me that it was only me he was talking to about this. Where was Kate and why did I suddenly care?  
  
The room that we were now in was a sort of storage area for spare parts. The parts were categorized by what they could be used for so that repairs could get done faster. And when your enemy was Skynet, you sure as hell had to work as fast as you could.  
  
I was sitting on the dirty floor and John was leaning against a wall while talking.  
  
John was now talking about how he looked out for Greys.  
  
"They are really the worst thing about this war." John said, his voice heavy with grief. "Humans should be united against an enemy that threatens us all, but some are siding with an enemy that will kill them when its goal of conquest is completed."  
  
"They are probably just scared or maybe they've been tricked into helping Skynet." I replied as I remembered how Skynet had fooled me.  
  
I didn't want to know the exact numbers of Resistance fighters that I had killed because I could hardly sleep at night already.  
  
John shook his head and said, "What some of them have tried to do...they know exactly what they are doing. We checked before we executed them."  
  
"Do you like having that responsibility?" I asked.  
  
"No, that's why I have others vote on the matter. I don't mind killing Terminators, I've been doing that since I was young, but I don't like to end the life of a human. It's something only Skynet should be doing. We should all be loyal to each other."  
  
"If you don't mind killing Terminators, why did you save me?"  
  
"Before Judgment Day a Terminator came back in time to save me. Well, two did but they looked the same."  
  
"What did you call them?"  
  
John looked off into the distance and a small smile formed on his face. "I called them Uncle Bob and I watched them both die. Once because he had to make sure there was no chance that Skynet was going to be a possibility and the next time he appeared he died saving me."  
  
I put a hand on his shoulder at the end of the story. The fact that John referred to the Uncle Bobs as 'he' surprised me. It showed that John did think of Terminators as humans. Even ones that had never been born.  
  
"Anyways, that's enough for today." John replied and put his hand on mine.  
  
I didn't know how to ask him what I wanted as I felt his hand on mine. I had been dreaming about him and didn't want him to know I thought of him that way nearly constnatly when I slept. While I was awake I could admire his leadership and morality, but when I dreamed my need for his touch overtook me.  
  
John finally turned his head to look at me. "Is there something you want to ask me?"  
  
I looked and noticed he had let go of my hand and I removed my hand from his shoulder.  
  
"What do you plan to do after?" I asked.  
  
"After the war?" John said and laughed. "I don't know if I'll make it that far."  
  
"Nothing can kill you." I said and laughed at the thought of anything taking John down. "But I was referring to what you're going to do now that the lesson for today is over."  
  
The seconds while I waited for his answer felt like eternity.  
  
"If you need me to help you with anything else today I will." I said trying to make him answer.  
  
"I don't need your help for the rest of today," John replied. "But you'll be on guard duty tonight and you should rest before you go."  
  
"Who will I be on guard duty with?" I asked and wished that I was going on guard duty alone.  
  
But the Resistance, the real Resistance, didn't like having only one person on guard duty at G and R Base.  
  
"Barnes." John replied simply and I let out a sigh.  
  
I had nothing bad to say about Barnes' allegiance to both John and the Resistance, but he didn't like Terminators at all. That meant that he hated me.  
  
This would be a very long night.  
  
X X X  
  
 The night was just beginning and it felt like the sun should already be rising on the horizon. I hated the man beside me. His dark skin seemed to help him blend into the night and he tried to keep his eyes averted from the sight of me.  
  
"Don't people usually talk on guard duty?" I asked as the silence got to me. If I was going to spend a long night with Barnes, I needed some sound.  
  
"Some people do." Barnes said and sounded as lifeless as the metal he said he hated.  
  
"And you don't talk to people while on guard duty?"  
  
"You're not a person. You're just some metal with the face of a person."  
  
I was more than insulted with that comment. I wasn't metal with the face of a person, I was a person with my humanity replaced with metal. I was an abomination, but I was still human.  
  
"No," I told him. "I was operated on by Skynet and made to be...what I am today."  
  
"At least you're metal that knows your place." Barnes said, with a disturbing smile on his face. "You should just kill yourself and be done with it. Or I'll help you if your programming doesn't allow it."  
  
"The parts of my Skynet programming that allowed it to control me was erased when I came here. So I could kill myself if I wanted to." I told Barnes and had to resist leaving him paralyzed for that comment. "And my place is with the Resistance."  
  
"And in bed with John Connor?" He replied and I turned to him surprised. "I've guessed it, especially with how Kate has been acting lately."  
  
"I haven't had sex with him." I said with something unsaid that my comrade picked up on.  
  
"You don't have a chance with him." Barnes said with a smug smile on his face.  
  
I hated that smile because it reinforced what I already knew. No matter how much I loved John, he would never allow me to get too close. Not close enough to be his wife and not even close enough to have an affair with him. All I'd be able to do is look at him and see what could have been.  
  
"You don't know that." I replied, pushing my doubts to the deepest part of my mind.  
  
"Metal and humans shouldn't mix. It's unnatural." Barnes stated. "You're the enemy and to think differently is to start down the road of becoming a Grey."  
  
"But I feel like a human." I hissed. "I need to sleep and I need to eat. Hell, I can feel every emotion that you can. You're not more than me, you're just the same."  
  
"All your emotions were created, they aren't real."  
  
"How can they be fake if I feel them? If I can react to them?"  
  
"All your reactions are programmed and you react accordingly."  
  
I knew what he said could be true. Who I was before could've been radically different than how I am now. I could've used to be someone who would've sided with Skynet in an instant.  
  
I could've been someone that wanted to destroy all of humanity and so gave my body to Skynet for that reason. No one would ever know.  
  
"You know I was human before. How do you think it feels to be living as the enemy? As an abomination?" I said and that seemed to make Barnes silent.  
  
He was a big supporter of John Connor and hated anything related to Skynet with a passion. He was a great man to have at your side and someone you wanted to never fight. That's how strong his passion was.  
  
I knew, or at least hoped, that he was silent because he was imagining waking up to metal underneath his skin. The thought that all that he had been before had been tainted by the thing that he hated most. That he could never go back to what he had been before.  
  
I also knew that if he thought this he would never admit it. He was that kind of man.  
  
I noticed him looking out in the distance and turned my attention outward. Skynet had made me to be a fighter but hadn't added too much to my human sight. It probably thought I could get enough information from my hearing.  
  
"Do you see anything?" Barnes asked me.  
  
"A mass of something." I replied.  
  
Barnes said nothing but an angry retort seemed to be on the edge of his lips.  
  
As I waited for Barnes' angry retort I tried to make out what the mass in the distance was. If the mass could be said to be angry that's the emotion I would use to describe it. But was it some humans that had decided not to take a side in the war or some present from Skynet?  
  
My hands tightened around my gun as I felt excitement course through my veins. I could now prove to Barnes that I was a good fighter. I could prove to Barnes that whatever he felt about metal, I was one of the good ones. That John Connor had a reason to trust me.  
  
"Terminators." Barnes said and I had my answer to two important questions.  
  
One being if what I had said to him had gotten through. Metal was a derogatory term that the Resistance and other humans used to refer to Terminators. So him not using the term implied that he was showing respect to me.  
  
At least for the moment.  
  
The second being what the mass was. Good, I could prove myself to him through fighting.  
  
Why did I want to gain his respect, anyways? That thought bugged me as the Terminators got closer to the base.  
  
But then I had an answer.  
  
Barnes was close to John Connor and if he respected me things could go smoother with John in the future.  
  
"What do you want me to do?" I asked, figuring that acting like I truly respected Barnes would make this small fight easier for the both of us.  
  
"Sound the alarms." Barnes said and I had to control the expression of shock that was begging to come onto my face. "Don't make it too loud, there doesn't seem to be that many Terminators. I should be able to take care of them."  
  
I guess whatever Barnes had taken from our conversation didn't extend to wanting to be at my side during a fight.  
  
"I'm a hybrid." I told him angrily. "If there's someone that could fight Terminators, it's another Terminator."  
  
"And how do I know you won't betray me?" Barnes fired back.  
  
I realized that now wasn't the time to have a full blown argument about where my loyalties lay. If we argued about it for even a second too long the base could take more of a beating than it should.  
  
What if John Connor blamed me and any possible future we had together was lost because I couldn't back down from any kind of fight?  
  
I turned away and started the first part of the alarm system. It was 'silent' as bells and whistles didn't sound loudly across the base. The people most necessary to the base's defense would become aware of what was happening and with a small fight that usually worked out.  
  
And if things got more intense than expected there would be another line of defense.  
  
As quickly as I had sounded the alarm I raced back to Barnes' side.  
  
"I'm not letting a good soldier like you die because of your ego." I said as he spared a simple glance for me.  
  
There was silence as the small group of Terminators got close enough to start firing. They must not have known that John Connor was here at the moment or else there would've been a lot more firepower in this group.  
  
I knew that Barnes wanted to argue about how disregarding his orders was the wrong thing to do. Even though it was, I knew John Connor would be on my side. But first I needed to make sure I'd be worthy of John's praise.  
  
I watched Barnes and was slightly nervous as this would be my first time fighting with him. When fighting as a pair you had to move as one. Even though I was open to feeling like one with him now, I knew it would be hard for him to get into the mindset.  
  
As the first few Terminators came into range and all of us started firing, Barnes and I shot down our targets though we both didn't have a good feel of each other.  
  
But as the fight continued we both grew closer to each other. Battle seems to do that with people. Battle seems to draw people closer together even though when the fighting ends they'll be far apart.  
  
I feigned falling down so that the Terminators firing at me would grow more confident. At least the kind of confidence a Terminator can feel. When they relaxed their guard I fired at one as Barnes took care of the other two.  
  
I laughed as the signals I had given to Barnes had been half-assed, but he had understood what I had meant.  
  
I quickly stopped laughing as we finished up the final two.  
  
As Barnes shot at the last one, the one I had shot down fired a final shot at him. I shot my Terminator a few more times to make sure it was down before checking Barnes who had collapsed.  
  
A bullet had gone through part of Barnes' leg. It would take a little while to heal, but he'd be up and fighting in no time.  
  
"Barnes?" I asked as I saw him look nervously at me.  
  
"Thanks." Barnes said and I knew that was as good of a 'good job, thanks for protecting my sorry human ass' as I was going to get.  
  
X X X  
  
"You disobeyed Barnes?" John asked with a hint of amusement. I think it amused him when I took things into my own hands.  
  
"I just figured that he would've gotten his ass kicked if I hadn't rescued him." I replied.  
  
I knew that John would discuss the previous night with me. I had been waiting for it, actually. I had been waiting to see him again and to hear his voice. Living in Hell meant that there weren't many things to look forward to. One of the things in this Hellish life I had to look forward to was John.  
  
"He's not as headstrong as the others." John said, still trying to appear like the leader.  
  
"Well he trusts you," I said with a small smile on my lips. "That's got to mean he has some brain damage."  
  
The leader facade swept away from his face as a grin replaced it. Seeing him smile was worth all the pain. Making him smile made me feel that my time being brainwashed by Skynet was being erased.  
  
"You trust me." John said back to me.  
  
"I never claimed that I was the smartest person here." I said and tried to put on a serious expression. I failed at this and burst out laughing.  
  
"You do have to follow orders, though, the other men won't respect you if you don't." John said, suddenly serious. "And if you keep willfully disregarding rules I don't think I can help you."  
  
"What if I don't need your help?"  
  
"Doesn't matter, you want it."  
  
John was right, of course. Even if one day I could physically escape him, my heart would always belong to him. I would never be able to escape him and I didn't mind. I didn't mind that fact at all.  
  
"So what should I do next time?" I asked him. "Let him or someone else get themselves killed? Just watch them die and feel good because I followed orders?"  
  
"If you want to be a soldier you have to follow orders."  
  
"I'll follow your orders." I replied and saw his sad smile.  
  
I knew that he doubted himself and didn't like when others put their full faith in him. He didn't like it when everyone around him seemed to die for him. But who couldn't help but follow him?  
  
John's face just screamed at you to be loyal to him. It told you that whatever else happened, he was the one thing in life that would never change. He would always fight to defend you and the rest of humanity.  
  
And his body was strong. It would be good to endure a long fight without tiring. It would also be good to push me up against one of these walls that were surrounding us. We could have a glorious moment of heaven and then hold each other as we settled down from the ordeal.  
  
I was about to shake my head when I realized it was beyond useless to try and resist. I wanted him and I could tell that he wanted me. We both loved each other and if I had to be the one to make the first move, so be it.  
  
"John, you're stronger than you know." I told him and moved slowly towards him.  
  
Not because I was afraid of frightening him, but because I was nervous for making such a bold move.  
  
"Everyone says that, I don't believe it." John replied.  
  
I put a hand on John's face and felt what I had been longing to feel for a long time. He titled his head ever so slightly to better fit into the palm of my hand. He wanted to feel comforted and I wanted to help him feel comfort.  
  
"I would never lie to you, John. If I thought you were being an idiot I would tell you without a second thought."  
  
"I know, that's why I like you."  
  
"Not that I would want to call you an idiot."  
  
"I know that too."  
  
I continued to build up my courage as I leaned with my lips towards his. The breath from his mouth was driving me mad, so I went slower to try and keep myself calm. I wanted this and with his breathing I could tell that he wanted this too. I knew then that both of us wanted our lips to lock quickly so that he could take me here and now.  
  
I knew in that moment that I didn't care what happened as long as John entered me in every sense of the word.  
  
But before our wishes could be fulfilled, John put a finger on my lips to stop me and said, "No. I need to think."  
  
"I understand." I told him and I did.  
  
But I was tired of holding back and I knew that he had to be too. However, he was married and so he was facing confusion that I couldn't even begin to understand at the moment.  
  
I loved him, I truly did, and so I would wait. I owed him that.  
  
X X X  
  
It had been a few days since I had nearly kissed John. My dreams since then had John touching my lips with his fingers. Unlike reality, however, these dreams always ended with him kissing me. Sometimes they even went further than a kiss.  
  
I had seen John around base and it seemed as though he was avoiding me. I didn't seek him out as I figured that he was deep in thought about what to do. If he was going to choose Katherine or me. Having never been in a relationship before, or at least not remembering being in one, I didn't know how long it would take for him to decide.  
  
After coming back from a training exercise I headed over to the showers. There hadn't been a battle in awhile, but John made sure that we were still in shape. John wouldn't always oversee these exercises himself, but he made sure they went on. While the exercises did give me a distraction, I needed an actual battle with real bloodshed to calm me.  
  
Taking my clothes off, I was very glad that I would get cleaned up some. I hoped that there was running water today but I doubted it. Every now and again the showers would actually work, but it was a rare event.  
  
Once my clothes were off, I headed over for the stalls. I heard someone and sighed as I realized today wouldn't be a good shower day. It would be another day of cleaning with a dirty rag and decently aged water.  
  
Walking around the small room my eyes quickly found the other person. It was John Connor.  
  
"Hi, John." I said and he looked at me.  
  
"You can join me." John said and I walked over to the stall he was in. "I need to talk to you."  
  
I wasn't getting too excited about what John would say. He wasn't looking at me like a lover, but like someone that is about to tell me someone I care about has died. Hopefully I was misreading him.  
  
"So what's the world shattering news from the great John Connor?" I joked as I started to wash.  
  
I didn't want to admit that any term to describe nervous would not even hint at what I was feeling now. I loved John and I wished for that same love in return.  
  
"I met Kate at a very low point in my life." John started to explain. "Before Judgment Day I was trying to hide from the reality that I knew would happen. On Judgment Day she was beside me and hasn't left me since."  
  
I tried to appear like I didn't care. That him choosing Katherine over me was expected and normal. I tried to appear like I was glad to not have ruined a marriage.  
  
But I wasn't happy.  
  
"I hope you have a long life together." I said as I turned away from him.  
  
"Jash," He said and grabbed my arm so I would face him. "I know you're upset and I don't blame you. But Kate has helped me through times that I couldn't have gotten by without her. I love you, Jash, but I can't be with you."  
  
"Why not?" I pleaded. "If you love me then why can't you be with me? You're the le-"  
  
"Just because I'm a leader doesn't mean I can do whatever want. I love you and Kate both. But I won't dissolve my marriage because of something I want to happen. I want a future with you but I couldn't live with myself if I divorced Kate."  
  
"She must be special to you."  
  
A tear went down John's cheek as he replied, "She is."  
  
"And you wish she wasn't."  
  
John just nodded.  
  
A tear fell down my cheek and suddenly John and I were embracing. I was crying on his shoulder and he was crying on mine.  
  
"I understand." I said through my sobs. "I wish I didn't."  
  
"I'll always care for you, but I can't be with you."  
  
After that brief bit of dialogue we continued to cry.


	8. Fragile Package

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jash goes on a mission with Katherine Connor, Barnes, and Star that goes wrong and leaves her in the middle of nowhere with Katherine.

Ever since John Connor had announced the fact that he had decided to stay with Katherine and not be with me, things had become harder for me. When I had a moment to think I would think of all that could’ve been and how it couldn’t be now.

But whenever I focused on Resistance business I forgot about my feelings for John, if only for a little bit. I’d focus on not getting myself or my fellow Resistance fighters killed. I practiced and exercised more than I needed to. However, I never pushed myself past my limits. I didn’t want to be in a battle and be too worn down to continue.

 

John still gave me private lessons and those had become less awkward as time went on. But our glances at each other never went away. I doubted my feelings for him could ever go away. However, I didn’t interfere with his marriage and he would try to set me up with someone from time to time. I would never go out with someone other than John, though, so his attempts were useless.

 

I had mixed feelings about going on the simple mission with Katherine, Barnes, and Star.

 

Katherine was John’s wife and was still uneasy about John’s feelings towards me, but I still felt I had to protect her. If she died then John would never forgive me.

 

Barnes and I had become closer. By closer I mean that he kept his hate of me to a bare minimum when I was around him.

 

Star was the only one I didn’t have any bad feelings towards. Kyle Reese and I had been on a mission or two together so I had learned to trust his judgment. When I had first met him he had said he loved Star. I trusted his opinion and was going to make sure Star came out of her first mission safe.

 

I finished getting ready and headed to the chopper. I waved at some of my comrades and they nodded back. I was glad that they had opened up to me more. At least I didn’t get the feeling that they would try and kill me the first chance they got.

 

Upon arriving to the chopper I saw my team members. Barnes was standing close to Katherine and having a conversation with her. This didn’t surprise me at all since he was one of John’s most loyal soldiers. Plus he had another reason.

 

I controlled the grimace that tried to come to my face as I looked at Katherine’s round belly. It was a painful reminder of how intimate John was with her. Barnes nodded at me and Katherine continued to ignore me.

 

It was then I looked at Star who was nervous. It had always been hard to read her, almost like she was a machine herself, but I could tell she was uneasy.

 

“Hey.” I said to her as I walked towards her.

 

“Hi.” She replied and looked me directly in the eyes for a second before she got too afraid and looked away.

 

“You fought against the machines since you were young.” I told her. “You and Kyle managed to stay alive until you ran into John.”

 

“I know I’ll survive.”

 

“Then why take so long to go on a mission of your own?”

 

“I’ve been on guard duty. I’ve been to every training session. Hell, I’ve helped train new recruits from time to time.”

 

“But you’ve never been on a mission of your own.”

 

Star looked at something that was on the opposite side of the hanger from me. Like Barnes she had dark skin, but unlike Barnes her hairstyle was different. It was poofy. Since I didn’t have memories from before Judgment Day, I didn’t know what to call the hairstyle. But it was nice.

 

“What’s the reason?” I asked. “I know it’s not because you’re scared of dying.”

 

“I don’t want to be in charge.” Star whispered and looked around to see if anyone else was listening. “If I do good I’ll be told to handle people’s lives.”

 

“It’s not a good feeling.” I said, even though I had only been in charge of a mission only once before this. And that was only because my commander had died on the mission. “But if you don’t want responsibility, it means you’re less likely to do something stupid.”

 

“So I guess that means giving you power is bad.” Barnes said as he walked up behind me.

 

“Hey, at least I’m not you. Means I can’t do too bad.”

 

Star hid a smile and I looked at my group.

 

“Get in the chopper, we need to head out quickly.” I told them.

 

“It’s only a scouting mission, we don’t need to hurry.” Barnes replied.

 

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be danger.”

 

With that Barnes and Star went in the chopper and Katherine joined me in the cockpit.

 

I checked that the chopper was going to work throughout the scouting mission and avoided Katherine’s gaze when I could. It was like she was trying to kill me with a look.

 

“You know I had to convince John to allow you on this mission.” I told her, trying to bring her to my side.

 

“John didn’t mention that to me.” Katherine countered.

 

“Because I managed to convince him before he said something to you. I told him it was only a scouting mission and that the twins won’t be in danger.”

 

“How did you know I was going to have twins?”

 

“John told me. He was really excited about the news.”

 

“What else does he tell you?”

 

“Stuff I pretend to be interested in.”

 

“But I’m not going to give birth for a week or two, John shouldn’t be worried.”

 

“Tell John that.” I said as I took off.

*                *                 *

  
I felt the tension in the cockpit ease. I knew Katherine didn’t like me, but she had to know that John trusted me. He trusted me but wasn’t going to leave her for me.  
The silence in the chopper was deafening. I didn’t much care for Katherine, but I had no idea beforehand of the hate she harbored for me. I could understand, although very vaguely, of why she wouldn’t like me. I was the person that John was attracted to and had talked of leaving her for.  


 

To distract myself from the silence I looked at the radar and the scenery. Though the scenery really just consisted of decaying buildings and some movements on the ground. But I couldn’t tell if the movements were from Resistance fighters, nomads, or Skynet. It wasn’t my place to determine that and Katherine didn’t speak.

 

Her silence might be her way of discrediting me later. While that wasn’t comforting on its own, it was comforting to know that it must not be that bad for her to hide it from me. Katherine might loathe me, but she would never put her hatred of me above the protection of the Resistance. In that way John had chosen a good wife.

 

I had let the silence go on for so long since I had failed to get a conversation started with her earlier. If she wasn’t going to make the effort to reply, I wasn’t going to make the effort to talk.

 

“So how do you keep your hair like that?” I heard Barnes ask by way of the headsets.

 

“I don’t think Kyle would like you asking questions about his girlfriend’s hair.” I joked as I needed to say something. The silence was getting really bad.

 

“Is that really how you think pick-up lines work?”

 

“Hey, it’s not my fault if I’m a little uneducated in certain areas.”

 

“Just certain areas?” Barnes replied and I could see a smile briefly on Katherine’s face.

 

“What, you acting like you’re better than me?”

 

“I’m human.”

 

“Well, you’re not a very good example.” Star said dryly.

 

I grinned as she had just ended a silence that could’ve gone on a long time.

 

“Barnes is an excellent example. John trusts him.” Katherine said, defending the man.

 

“So you’ve decided to talk?” I asked Katherine.

 

She became silent. Smooth, Jash, very smooth.

 

“Well, you got one defender.” I said after the silence went on for a few minutes.

 

“That’s more than you have.” Barnes tried to counter.

 

“I’ve got the leader of the Resistance on my side. Other people have seemed to act kinder to me as of late.”

 

“But you’re never going to fu-“

 

“You keeping track of those movements?” Katherine asked and I could tell that her reason for interrupting wasn’t to check on anything.

 

Not even Barnes could bring up my obsession with John while she was around.

 

“My job is to look at the radar and your job is to look at the ground.” I replied dryly. “Tracking movements on the ground isn’t important in this point in time. We’re still a little bit away from the area we’re supposed to scout. But tracking movements on the ground for now could give us some hints for future missions.”

 

“You like commanding me, don’t you.” Katherine said.

 

“No, I’m just doing my job. Besides, dealing with you means dealing with John later. It isn’t always the best thing when you have something negative to say about me.”

 

Katherine formed a small smile on her lips and I sighed. She liked causing me pain and I’d like to cause her some pain at this moment. But she could get away with any jabs at me while I couldn’t. Sort of sucked to be me at the moment.

 

“What are the movements on the ground like?” Star asked.

 

“Nothing threatening.” Katherine replied. “No movements that would signal that they’ll be involved with our scouting mission later on.”

 

“That’s good.” I said and then noticed something strange on the radar.

 

Skynet wasn’t human and could move ahead of what us humans were capable of. Luckily that had proved not to be such a big advantage in the war so humans could still have victories. One thing Skynet had done was tamper with how radar saw their different Terminators. Depending how important a Terminator was, such as one going to infiltrate a Resistance base would have higher priority over one fighting in the battlefield, they could get it so that radar would pick them up as something else.

 

Luckily the Resistance had a decent percentage of spotting when this trick was being used. From the radar reading it seemed like Skynet was trying this trick again.

 

“Katherine, John mention to you any other Resistance choppers being in the area?” I asked.

 

“No,” Katherine said. “Wouldn’t he have mentioned something to you?”

 

“We have a friendship, not a relationship. Besides, sometimes a leader has to hide facts to get a victory.” I paused a moment. “Star and Barnes, get prepared for some action. Shit is about to hit the fan.”

 

I watched where the ‘Resistance’ choppers were and turned just as the first shot was fired.

 

“Get ready to shoot back!” I shouted and tried to get in a good position for Katherine.

 

But she was pregnant and getting a good shot was hard. I wasn’t going to be the one to have John lose his children. However, I still had to make sure we all didn’t die.

 

I spent a few minutes just dodging and cursing the fact that this was just supposed to be a simple mission. Katherine wasn’t supposed to be in danger and if something happened John would kill me.

 

Thoughts of John killing me were cut short as Katherine was finally able to get a shot out, but that victory was cut short when Skynet’s HKs finally landed some hits on the chopper. Due to me having to dodge, Katherine wasn’t able to land another hit.

 

Then I dodged some more, Skynet shot the chopper down, and darkness.

 

I opened my eyes slowly and the sight of burning wreckage greeted me.

 

“Katherine!” I shouted as I looked at her.

 

I quickly pulled her away from the wreckage and tried not to look at the metal that was now showing through my burnt skin.

 

“Star! Barnes!” I yelled, but there was no reply.

 

  
The burning smell was about as bad as seeing the metal parts of me. I knew I was metal and that my humanity had been tainted, but seeing proof of that was a thing unto itself. Because when I had proof like this that I wasn’t human, but a hybrid, then I wondered who I had been before. Was I someone that had sided with Skynet or had I been against it?

 

I put thoughts of the metal showing underneath my burnt skin to the back of my mind. Right now I had to look at the burning chopper wreckage to see if Star and Barnes were there.

 

“Star! Barnes!” I shouted and looked for any movements or the slightest sounds of a cry for help.

 

But I heard and saw nothing.

 

“John...” Katherine said and I quickly turned to her.

 

She wasn’t in good shape and didn’t have the benefit of being a hybrid to help her. I knelt by her and felt her stomach. If she survived but her twins died, then John would be distracted from the war. He wouldn’t be in good shape if just Katherine died so I didn’t want to imagine his reaction to his unborn children dying.

 

“Katherine?” I asked and tried to lift her up.

 

I stopped after she groaned. Shit. How was I supposed to get her somewhere safe? Skynet would probably be coming by soon. Maybe I was trying to carry her the wrong way.

 

“You need to walk. Can you do that?” I asked.

 

“John?” Katherine asked and looked at me. “I feel like I fell or-“

 

“You crashed, Katherine.” I told her. “Skynet will be coming soon and I need to get you to safety.”

 

“Weren’t there others?”

 

“Barnes and Star scouted an area ahead and found somewhere safe. They are waiting for us there.” I lied and figured the truth could come later. Right now I needed her to move as quickly as she could.

 

As I managed to slowly help her up she said, “John, if I die-“

 

“You aren’t goin-“ I started to say.

 

“You never wanted to accept that I could die. I think that’s why you didn’t want to send me on missions. But if I do die I just want you to stay away from Jash. You’re a human, John, and you deserve the love only a human can bring. Promise me.”

 

“I promise.” I replied since there was no other option. If Katherine was going to confuse me for John, I didn’t have the time to correct her.

 

“And if you’re going to die, want to do it at another location?” I asked after she didn’t move for a minute.

 

Katherine’s reply was to smile weakly and I helped her walk. I didn’t know where to go since I hadn’t gotten a good layout of the land while I was crashing. I didn’t know if I was even going in the right direction, but I had no choice. I had to continue going forward.

 

It was hard work getting anywhere with Katherine in her current condition. Besides it being a pain in the ass to move her, she kept confusing me for John. While I didn’t mind the tidbits of gossip I was able to get from her, some of what she said was a little more personal. Sexual stuff was included in what she was saying. Sometimes she thought that they were just starting their relationship and so didn’t know John’s turn-ons and turn-offs.

 

While this could’ve been amusing, the fact was that for three hours I had to go with imagining John and Katherine together in detail.

 

As the fourth hour approached, I saw a broken down building. It seemed to be crumbling but was otherwise stable. Maybe other people had been here recently and so there would be supplies. Water and food to last us a few days was all that we needed. I could always give Katherine my clothes if need be.

 

“Katherine, we don’t have to go much further.” I told her and her only response was to nod.

 

I felt her stepping a little more quickly as she realized the walking would end shortly.

 

As we entered the building, I looked around to make sure that there weren’t any surprises waiting for us. Of course if there was a Terminator my small handgun wouldn’t do much to it. I would have to battle the metal hand to hand and hope that hybrids were well built to fight against other Terminators.

 

After two minutes nothing came out to get us so I set Katherine by some stairs. I let her down slowly and allowed her to choose how fast we went. After she was sitting relatively comfortably by the stairs, I started looking around in detail.

 

There was some food and water that would hold us over for the next few days. I then looked for things I could use to make a makeshift bed for Katherine, as this building hadn’t been one for sleeping in before Judgment Day.

 

As I made Katherine comfortable on the makeshift bed, I started to fully realize a problem. I had known about the problem before, but now things were calm and I could reflect on it.

 

I couldn’t tell if Katherine’s twins were now dead or if they were going to be born like they should. I stayed up all night with those thoughts going through my head.

The night had seemed longer than normal. Maybe because it was the first time I was basically on my own. Or maybe it was the fact that I was having to defend Katherine from any Terminators that stopped by. I had looked for better weapons in the building and hadn’t found anything useful.

 

All that was useful were a few items that I used to set up an elementary alarm system. Of course the Terminators could easily avoid it if they wanted to, but at least it was there. Maybe it was my human side that wanted a sense of false reassurance.

 

Did that make me weak?

 

When the sun rose I didn’t feel any safer. Hell, I felt even more like I was in a cage with Skynet able to walk in any time that they wanted to. I held my handgun and watched over Katherine’s sleeping form. The rise and fall of her chest which hopefully meant the twins would be born.

 

As Katherine awoke I took care of her needs even as she kept continuing to confuse me for John Connor.

 

“I’m not John Connor.” I finally told her. “I’m Jash. You know, the person you hate and never want John to be with.”

 

“Stop trying to avoid yourself, John.” Katherine said and reached for my hand. “I believe in you.”

 

I realized why John would admire this woman. Even while she was in so much pain she still found it in her to encourage me. Well…to encourage John. But right now we were really the same person. I took her hand in mine and squeezed it.

 

“Yeah, I just don’t believe in myself. The war is hard which is why you can’t die.” I told her and she tried to squeeze back.

 

I then let go of her and started to feel her stomach. I didn’t know what to look for. It wasn’t like Skynet was interested in raising or killing pregnant women. Unless you counted killing them like other people. I wanted to scream in frustration. I should be able to do this for John, but I couldn’t.

 

I couldn’t tell if Katherine was still pregnant. I should be able to. Why didn’t I try learning more about how humans worked as much as I learned about how machines worked?

 

Looking down I remembered. Oh, yeah, because then I would have to deal even more with Katherine. And dealing with Katherine was hard.

 

But, as I looked at her, I realized that dealing with her was worth all the pain and heartache. I had never really cared when someone died. However, if she died then I would have to deal with John and I didn’t want that. So did my caring for Katherine’s life have more to do with John than me actually giving a shit about his wife?

 

Probably.

 

“I’m going, aren’t I?” Katherine asked weakly.

 

“No, no.” I said and stepped away from her. “You’ll live to torment me but I’m not certain about the twins.”

 

“I feel like I’m going. I’ve thought of what death feels like. This is it.”

 

“You are not dying. Not today. Not here.”

 

“You’ll find someone to love you, John, you’ll find someone to put your trust in. You’ll find another me.”

 

“Unlikely, you’re…you.”

 

“You have a lot of strength and if you don’t find someone you can always carry on. I know it’ll be hard for you, but you’ll be able to do it.”

 

“You’re not dying. Just stop talking like you’re going to go any moment now.”

 

“Do you know why I decided to be with you?”

 

“No.” I said, generally curious.

 

“Because I couldn’t stand to see you alone.” Katherine explained. “I saw you on Judgment Day and didn’t think you could handle things on your own. I thought that you needed to have someone to lean on. Please prove me wrong. Prove me wrong.”

 

“I will.” I said and her breathing slowed down.

 

Katherine really did love John Connor. It was in no way because she felt she would have more power or anything of the like. I didn’t expect that. I expected her to be a mean bitch. But she wasn’t.

 

I was lost. Everything I had thought about her was wrong. How could I think such cruel things of her? She was a human being. She deserved kindness and respect. Not only because she was John’s wife, but because she was a person.

 

I sat down and felt weak. I had hated her for so long that I didn’t know why I was feeling like I was losing someone I cared about. I should be able to just carry on fine. I should be worried about John’s reaction, of course, but I shouldn’t be frightened of her dying body so close to me.

 

Slowly I stood up and made sure I was still capable of standing. Nothing would be right once John heard the news that his wife was dead. He would never fully recover. Would he heed Katherine’s dying words? Would he take the chance to be with me?

 

I admit that I felt a little bit happy with the thought that John Connor and myself would finally be able to be together. I could do nothing more for Katherine, so I wouldn’t be the one to blame once she died. John and I could finally live a life together.

 

Katherine started screaming loudly and I looked over. Whatever was happening, she was not dying at this moment. It didn’t sound like a death cry and she wouldn’t yell out now that she was so close to death. She continued screaming and I finally knelt down beside her.

 

She grabbed my shoulder and I realized what was happening: Katherine Brewster wasn’t dying, she was giving birth.

I was aware of how to take lives out of existence, but bringing new life into the world wasn’t something I was familiar with. I was used to dying people screaming, but I wasn’t used to helping them give birth. I’m not a medic, though I am passable. I usually depended on another comrade to help the injured and dying. 

 

Hell, Katherine was the medic everyone liked to get when they could. 

 

I, on the other hand, was just a killer.

 

“Katherine!” I shouted. “Breathe in and out!”

 

I should’ve replied calmer, but I was frightened. Katherine would be alive and John would continue to be with her. How could I tell him I had hoped that she had died?

 

No matter now, I had to focus on helping her deliver.

 

Katherine was struggling and I had to try and keep her still. She had injuries from the chopper crash and I didn’t want to imagine the pain she was going through now. I thought of tying her up to keep her still but I finally decided to ditch the idea. I didn’t want to stop circulation and I wouldn’t be able to do it quickly enough anyways.

 

The last thing I wanted was for John’s offsprings to plop onto the floor like discarded items.

 

“I...I...I can’t!” Katherine said, but part of her wouldn’t quit wanting to give birth.

 

“Give birth first and then die.” I hissed, but she wouldn’t stop yelling.

 

Dammit, this was not going to work. Katherine would die and the twins would die and then I would have to watch John try to not fall apart. This was not going to be a good day at all. Even if the twins were born without being injured themselves, the fact was that I would be in the middle of nowhere with a dying woman and two newborn children.

 

I didn’t know how I managed, but I helped Katherine birth the twins. My hands were ready for both when they came out. Neither of them were terrified of my metal poking out. I knew that they were way too young to feel fear from seeing it, but there was always a chance that a fear of metal was an instinct. I guess that wasn’t true.

 

“Can I see them?” Katherine asked me, her voice sounding weak.

 

“Sure.” I replied and handed each of them to her carefully.

 

“What do you want to name them, John?”

 

“Shouldn’t the mother decide?” I asked her and I saw that she had fallen asleep before I could finish the question.

 

I looked at the twins and shook my head. They looked like weird little aliens from Mars and yet it was my duty to take care of them for now.

 

I sighed and took them both in my arms as I looked for some place to wash them. There was a sink and some of the water I had left would allow me to bathe them for the first time. I was alert at all times as I washed them so as not to hurt them.

 

This was hard to do as they struggled and I was afraid I would inadvertently kill them which would piss John off. Thinking of John made me able to do a better job than I would have without him in my mind.

 

After I finished bathing them, I took random bits of clothing to cover them up. When we got back to base they could get real clothing and real help.

 

As I put the twins next to Katherine I realized I couldn’t wait. I needed to find a radio so that Katherine could be taken care of.

 

For over an hour I made sure that Katherine would be fine if left alone for a few hours at least. I had to go around the area to find a radio. I had no other choice if we wanted to survive.

 

As I looked at them for what could be the last time, I smiled at the twins and Katherine’s sleeping form before walking away.


End file.
